Lately, I’ve wrestled with dark clouds. The fog of worry and anxiety–over business and personal life matters–have laid low and thick, making it difficult, or impossible, to see all the beauty that’s on the other side of that fog. Of course, there is always light that comes to burn away these feelings and doubts, but in the thick of it, it’s hard not to feel as if I’m being swallowed up. I imagine these emotions like a fog or sometimes a heavy cloak–when I’m in this place, my brain is cloudy and my body feels weighed down. I turn back to old patterns–I scheme; emotions come out as anger; I run away, literally and figuratively. Years of my practice remind me these techniques are no good, they get me nowhere. This is a season of my life and what this season likely calls for is more stillness.
The Bhagavad Gita is one of the great wisdom texts. In it, the character Arjuna, a great warrior, is faced with what he deems a horrible choice, one that leaves him mired in worry, fear and doubt. All of his training, his wisdom, and his deep awareness of the situation, only serve to leave him more muddled and ready to run away from what is required of him during this season for something that feels less difficult. He receives this guidance: Whenever the mind wanders restless and diffuse in its search for satisfaction without, lead it within; train it to rest in the self. Ah, well, that sounds easier to consider than to practice. And it’s surely not my first response during times when there is difficulty without. However, I remind myself: even in the densest fog, if I get really still and slow down, there is always something beautiful and real that will appear even if I can’t see very far ahead.
These reactions that seem counter to my norm remind me of a story I read recently about a man named Dick Fosbury. You see, Dick Fosbury was fearless. Fosbury began competing as a high-jumper in the 60’s. At the time, the common way for a high-jumper to go over was a complicated movement where they went in face down, taking their legs over one at a time. For Fosbury, this didn’t work. In his sophmore year of high school, he failed to clear even 5 foot jumps. Fosbury knew he had to change his body position–this knowledge would start a revolution that would eventually begin an evolution of the whole sport. Fosbury began experimenting with running in diagonally and then flipping his body so he went over backward, headfirst with his butt down and then landed in a flop on the other side. Initially coaches were terrified of this and encouraged him to continue trying other more standard methods. But by the end of his freshman year in college, when he was landing jumps of 6 feet 10 inches and breaking records, his coach finally gave in. Eventually, he went on to become a gold Olympian with his record jumps over 7 feet and he changed the way people know the sport today. This “Fosbury flop” technique is the most popular method of clearing the high jump now. In changing his body position, Fosbury had lowered his center of gravity making it possible for him to soar higher. At the time, what seemed foolish (some even called lazy) and dangerous, gained him the nickname “Fearless Fosbury.” You see, if Fosbury had kept with what was normal, never contemplating and then changing his pattern, he’d never have gone on to soar in ways unimaginable to everyone. But he did change his pattern. He was fearless.
I want to be a “Fearless Fosbury.” I am learning that old patterns don’t always work and that sometimes new techniques must be developed in life. I am reminding myself during this season–literally, a season in which all of nature is slowing down and going inward–that I must practice looking for the balance between knowing when to work harder for change and when to slow down and find peace within that I can not alter. This is scary–it feels easier to keep going on auto-pilot and to listen to the internal nay-saying voices. I know, though, that when I steady my mind in stillness, small pieces of something real and lovely become discernible through the fog. I practice taking longer, deeper breaths and feel the sensation of air coming in and going out. Another of the techniques I’m currently using to help me on the mat with this reminder to steady my mind, is the work of drishti, which means a gazing point for the eyes. I am finding when I steady my gaze and focus my attention on one point, it helps me to keep my mind from “leaking” energy out into all other directions, which keeps me “gazing” at what is real in the moment rather than spinning into a thousand thoughts of what may be.
For me, going deep within means connecting to a fearlessness that doesn’t always come natural. But each time I do, I’m surprised at how much light there is, and that’s where some evolution begins.